A Lesson: How to Respond to Rude People

By: Sonia Di Maulo, Feedback Enthusiast

When I was Young

When I was young my mother taught me not to respond to people who were rude. She would say, “Better to let them be.” The advice proved to be destructive in my personal and professional life.

What I wish I had learned was how:

  • To tell someone that it was not acceptable to be rude.
  • To magically get them to stop infecting others.

The real question is how do we stop disrespectful emotions from flowing from one person to another. Destructive words crush the spirit, hijack our self-respect, and infect future words, actions, and thoughts.

 

The Dry Cleaner

A few years ago I had a self-realization about how not to respond to rude people. Through this discovery I learned how to do it right!

That day, the woman who served me exuded rudeness. Her words were obnoxious and disrestectful. Her body language and facial expressions made me shudder. It was a bad scene! In the past, I would accept the rude behaviour & walk away, just like my mother taught me. But that day I realized an important lesson: it’s not acceptable to accept someone’s bad day.

 

How it Turned Out

I told her that her behavior was unacceptable and that she was being rude. She then went from being disresctful to defensive; a really bad combination that kicked off an unpleasant exchange. My heart was racing, my day was ruined, and now I had to find a new dry cleaner!

I learned that:

  • It feels really bad when I let someone else’s bad day infect mine.
  • I had to find a different way to express myself! 

I felt disresected by her words and actions and wondered if there was anything I could have done to change her day around and save other’s days from being ruined.

 

How it Should Have Happened

I replayed the event in my mind. I realized that it really happened differently. After realizing that she was having a bad day I reacted like this:

With a smile, I asked her how her day was going. She looked at me with a growl.  Then I asked if there was anything I could do to change her day around. She let out a huge sigh and shook her head. I paid for my stuff and went home!

As I left her I realized that I had the power to engage in a respectful discussion with a disrespecful person. And I was able to respect myself when other people did not. I have no control over her future actions but hopefully I was able to stop the “bad vibes” from flowing to each new customer that entered the store.  More importantly, I was able to continue to have a great day – I am the master of my actions!

Have you ever been the victim of rudeness?  How did you respond? Did you respect yourself? Did you manage to stop the bad behavior from spreading?

_________________

Sonia Di Maulo is a Feedback Enthusiast, Professional Speaker and Performance Improvement Consultant. Current mission: Helping people to offer and ask for powerful inspiring Feedback. Are you ready?

She would love to hear from you… share your feedback stories and successes!


March 5, 2010   Posted in: Feedback Tips

28 Responses

  1. Mark A Sturgell - March 5, 2010

    Nice article, Sonia. Reminds me of “the two most powerful questions in the world”, which I learned several years ago and pass them along to my clients now. They are almost universally powerful and effective, including when i meet a “rude” person.

    I often simply ask one or both of these questions: “How can I help?” “What can I do?”

    Stress is caused by unmet needs. Rudeness is nearly always a sign of prolonged, even chronic stress. So I merely attempt (emphasis on attempt) to become an antidote by asking questions that go right to meeting another person’s needs.

    Thank you for reminding me to use these questions when i meet someone rude, rather than allowing them to ruin my day…and ruin me.

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  2. Thomas Waterhouse - March 5, 2010

    I have dealt with my share of truculent teens in my career, and yes, they came to me with doctorates in rudeness! :) Since I think of respect as a core value that I act out of rather than something that someone earns, they were always frustrated at my style of engaging. In fact, my respect actually created more rudeness for a time but over time, they invariably connected on a productive level. I think the distinction is between being reactive based on emotions (how people and circumstances make us feel) and being proactive based on higher values. I LOVE your approach of showing love and concern, the GREAT antidote for people acting out of hurt with rudeness. Great message Sonia! Thank you.

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  3. Steve Broe - March 6, 2010

    Thanks Sonia, your example and mental improvement are helpful descriptions. I think some people who are rude are in pain, and I like to react to the loving person beyond the rude or hurtful behavior. Sometimes I have enough presence of mind to remember that the other person has had better moments; and other times I react to the drama.

    SB

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  4. Karen Carleton - February 13, 2012

    Great post Sonia! One strategy I’ve used with rude people: innocently why they would say or think that, letting them know I don’t understand what I had done or said to get their response since I had no ill-will intended towards them. Typically this results in their questioning their own behavior and apologizing. Unfortunately, I haven’t always chosen the high-road and have found myself emotionally hijacked instead, which ruins my normally good mood and adds to theirs.

       0 likes

    [Reply]

    Sonia Di Maulo Reply:

    Hi Karen,

    When I am face-to-face with a rude person (especially when I am the customer)… I am in shock! So my emotional response is delayed and that’s when I feel deflated, too (like you). I try to take the high road by being overly friendly instead of taking blame (by asking about what I may have done to get that response, as you suggest). The pain they are feel is internal and has NOTHING to do with me.

    Rude people are not aware that their actions are affecting others… I try to change their mood by spreading some good cheer and humor. There is enough pain out their!!!

    Thanks for your comment and for adding to the conversation.

    Sonia

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  5. Tracey - February 15, 2012

    There was a checker at a drug store that was always extremely rude. I always say “Hi, how are you?” when it’s my turn at the checkout no matter what store I’m at. This lady was extremely rude every single time and was that way with everyone. She just seemed hateful.

    Then one day when I asked her how she was and she didn’t respond, in a very nice but loud tone I said “The proper response would be to say…I’m fine, thank you…or I’m having a rough day…can we talk later?” and I smiled at her. She grinned a bit and then was much more polite to the people behind me.

    Her demeanor was completely different after that.

       0 likes

    [Reply]

    Sonia Di Maulo Reply:

    Tracey,

    Thank you for sharing this story. Rude people are aching to be touched and understood… and shaken out of their inner focus. You rock! And I bet you make a lot of other customers happier too. :)

    Sonia

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  6. Sunny Marella - October 7, 2012

    Beautiful post Sonia.I am actually the person who was being rude for the past 1 year.I had a career failure 1 year back,after which my character completely changed.I got angry fast,spoke harshly,intruded on conversations and wanted everything to centre around me.Luckily,a few good Samaritans took me in,sat me down every evening and explained what I was doing wrong.It took me 2 months to get back to understanding etiquette,discipline and take into account other people’s feelings.It goes to show that the important social skills don’t ‘stick’ for life.They need to be practised and reminded to those who forget.

       0 likes

    [Reply]

    Sonia Di Maulo Reply:

    Hello Sunny!

    Thank you for stopping by and for sharing so openly. Congratulations for getting your “new you” to stick! The road to learning about yourself has opened up to so many amazing social possibilities for you to connect with others in a powerful positive way.

    Your story here is an inspiration in and of itself!

    Sonia

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  7. Skin Care Solution - July 21, 2013

    I get pleasure from, cause I found exactly what I was looking for.
    You’ve ended my 4 day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  8. ipl hair removal sydney - July 28, 2013

    Right away I am going to do my breakfast, after having my breakfast coming over again to read additional news.

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  9. georgie - April 14, 2014

    I have a new neighbor who moved across the street. Every time this person would have eye contact, it would be the evil-eye. Have ñever spoken to this person. This person would really make a point to let you know they were seen. This has been during the winter months. Now that the nicer, warmer weather is approaching, we do enjoy gardening. I really don’t know what he’s so angry about. I was shoveling snow in the driveway day, not long after he, his wife, and their son (around 9 yrs. old), he came storming out his front door, with some very vulgar words. Ranting on like that going to his car, it’s a long driveway. I just turned around and that was the first evil-eye and it’s just a very uncomfortable feeling. This home is a rental which my next door neighbor has rented to four different people, which all have been not so friendly. Now I am making plans to move. My question is do just continue to ignore him as I have been?

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  10. trangsucchieuphong.com - May 26, 2014

    The best outfit for the furthermore measurement petite female is primarily one particular colour,
    with the distinction at the narrowest position (normally the neck).

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  11. smart trike replacement parts - May 31, 2014

    We are a gaggle of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community.
    Your website provided us with helpful info to work on. You have done an impressive job
    and our entire community shall be grateful to you.

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  12. tips on saving money using change - June 6, 2014

    I believe everything posted made a bunch of sense.

    But, think on this, suppose you were to create a awesome post title?
    I ain’t saying your content isn’t good., but what if you added a title that makes people desire more?
    I mean Harvest Performance

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  13. cost to move to hawaii - June 9, 2014

    Excellent items from you, man. I have take into account your stuff
    previous to and you are just extremely great.
    I really like what you’ve bought here, certainly like
    what you are saying and the way in which during which you assert
    it. You’re making it enjoyable and you continue to care for
    to keep it wise. I cant wait to learn far more from you.
    That is really a wonderful site.

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  14. anti wrinkle cream for men - June 16, 2014

    Heya i’m for the first time here. I came across this board and I find
    It truly useful & it helped me out much. I hope to give something back and aid others like you helped me.

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  15. loreal skin Care - June 16, 2014

    What’s up friends, fastidious paragraph and nice urging commented here,
    I am actually enjoying by these.

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  16. nanowrimo.org - June 16, 2014

    It’s actually very complex in this busy life to listen news on TV,
    therefore I only use world wide web for that reason, and take the most recent news.

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  17.  what is hemp seed - June 17, 2014

    You have made some good points there. I looked on the web for additional information about the issue and found most people will go along with your views on this website.

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  18. Jennifer4476.pen.io - June 18, 2014

    I do consider all of the ideas you’ve introduced in your post.

    They’re really convincing and can certainly work. Nonetheless,
    the posts are too short for novices. May you please
    extend them a little from next time? Thanks for the post.

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  19. Prolongz - June 18, 2014

    After I originally commented I appear to have clicked the -Notify me when new comments
    are added- checkbox and now each time a comment is added I receive 4 emails with the exact same comment.
    There has to be a means you are able to remove me from that
    service? Cheers!

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  20. Http://Lunarsleepreview.com/ - June 18, 2014

    Someone necessarily lend a hand to make seriously posts
    I might state. That is the very first time I frequented your website
    page and so far? I amazed with the research you made to make this actual put up incredible.

    Great activity!

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  21. web site - June 19, 2014

    Tremendous things here. I am very happy to look
    your article. Thank you so much and I’m taking a look ahead to
    contact you. Will you kindly drop me a mail?

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  22. hiv oral test - June 25, 2014

    Yes, that’s the straight chute to rigidity and non secular blindness: arriving and then refusing to rock the
    boat. Does she all of a sudden turn sour when you say hi to another female?
    Know that in the finish it will be really worth it.

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  23. Christoper - August 19, 2014

    This can be done when you aren’t making progress.

    Give motivation based training to behavioral psychology and communication, understanding the
    sit once. The idea is that you are training your dog to NOT do something you” re prepared to react to voices of puppy training humans is the important thing in centers is the prize. 6 If the dog is trained in order to have them trained.

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  24. tee inspector - August 22, 2014

    It’s awesome to pay a visit this site and reading the views of all mates
    on the topic of this article, while I am also eager of getting familiarity.

       0 likes

    [Reply]

  25. plants vs zombies 2 hack - August 23, 2014

    Why can you wish to employ Plants vs Zombies 2 tips?

       0 likes

    [Reply]

Leave a Reply

Comment Spam Protection by WP-SpamFree